A few months back, i remember, during orientation, we were supposed to sit in a circle and she was, well, part of my group. At first glance i didnt think much about it, one of those forgettable sea of faces i would see in the entire course of my life.
i did not know what happened, the events leading up to april. maybe it was just a hormone reaction or love at first sight or those intrapersonal attraction that attracted me to her. It was a little weird. I remembered asking terence if that was her name and 'yea' he said. Thats when it all started. i remember fondly and stupidly asking for her number over msn which was pretty dumb and uncool. well, she gave it and then i remember a few messages which we talked about was about asking her to run fast because her house was far away from the train station. one was also about the numerous pets she owned like 35 dogs, 27 cats, 29 birds or so. i stupidly, naively but gladly believed in. those were great times, i remember walking home with winky one day and winky, who was rather close to her, told me that actually she told winky that she felt the same way about me. i was overjoyed but in the end she stopped because i was flirty or to put it in a nicer way i was very close to some girls from my class because i find it easier to talk to girls, until now, i still do regret it.
Year 2 was well i would say a blast. i wanted to get into the same class as her for year 3 but i couldn't because my grades sucked. i was rather annoying, keep trying to make conversation with her, i was like a fly 24/7 bloody fucking annoying as i realised two years on. But i had to admit, talking to her was like total bliss, it keeps burning like a fire, the moments with her, i dont think it will ever ever extinguish.
all in all i confessed to her 3 times i guess, once every year except for year one. pretty messed up, me. i remember feeling quite broken from her response in year 2.
in year 3, things changed. i was caught up with a new class, new friends, and more sjab projects, instructorhood, jnco planning. i did not talk to her that often and well, it sucked pretty bad. i did not have time for that.
sometimes when i talk to her, i guess teasing her makes it interesting. she is really really good-natured, and has the heart of a saint. she learns sign language, plans volunteer camps. i think that really makes it brilliant. what im feeling now is like a feeling of soreness and heavy heartedness, its like a burning fire. she is really wonderful. my friends well they think its quite admirable that i am still here waiting for her, after almost 4 years. it is worth the wait.
Fast forward to year 4 and present, i feel even more determined, never ever gonna stop. for this year, i talked to her more often and well i guess something magical happened. i wouldnt say it was all magical, but it felt like it. i cant remember much but of what i remember, i told her i like her alot and well she asked me how long was i willing to wait. i said forever, even if it was a lifetime. talking to her makes me feel like im in bliss, always happy. she is a beautiful girl, inside out.
sometime it gets boring or she gets pissed with me. which is what is happening now. i feel gutted, like my heart is being pulled out. mostly its all my fault, for being the unfeeling insensitive bastard that i am.
but to be honest, sometimes i really do not understand her. maybe she is a little busy or i am being a total asshole who does not deserve her.
no matter what, i will always have that little torch for her, even if at times i get distracted from other girls. this only occured to me this year. well, better late then never.
i want to sail the ocean blue, trek the mountain high. fly the crystal clear sky and walk the million mile roads with her for the rest of my life.
it takes time, but i hope and i want and i will get there.
maybe in a few years, i may come back and take a look at this and find it corny. if you are looking at this, the FUTURE RYAN, think of all the couples out there, who have spent almost the whole lives with each other.
maybe at times they may have disagreements, but deep, deep, deep, down they know its part of being in love, that makes it stronger. and that is the beautiful thing about love and life. i doubt if any of their spouses did that, they wont find it corny, because they are just madly in love with each other.
Just like how i see my parents, my father does not show his emotions out well, but i just know he loves her. Maybe not all couples show how they are madly in love with each other even though the average person might think, how did they even get together in the first place. there is always something couples love about each other, its just that most people cannot see that with the other people.
i hope that when i see this in the future, i am happy with what i have in life, with the person i am talking about.
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